March 28, 2011

Facing Reality

After receiving Lily's MRI results last wednesday afternoon we have experiencned just about every emotion possible, I guess you could say it's been a rollercoaster of a week. This is has been a lot of information to take in and nothing we expected. I had planned on updating everyone after we received the results but the diagnosis we got was not one either of us understood or knew anything about and needed some time to research it, gain a little understanding, digest the news and get answers from the doctors.

Dr. Packwood the opthamologist that fixed her eye called us Wednesday afternoon and let us know there was no cancer, no tumors or any kind of growth at showed up on the MRI,which is a HUGE blessing and I am beyond thankful that's not what is wrong. However, Lily has been diagnosed with septo optic dysplasia in her left eye and an abnormal pituitary gland. Being a nurse in a situation like this has its perks and its drawbacks. This is a diangosis/condition that neither of us had heard of  but we do have an understanding of the body that most people dont so we were able to figure some things out from our nursing knowledge. We got on the internet and did a little research. Let me caution you, as Dr. Packwood did us,  if you decide to do research about it there is ALOT of very scary stuff on there and to take it with a grain of salt. Here is some information from a website I found that explains it all well:
       Septo-optic dysplasia is a disorder of early brain development. Although its signs and symptoms vary, this condition is traditionally defined by three characteristic features: underdevelopment (hypoplasia) of the optic nerve, abnormal formation of structures along the midline of the brain (at this point we dont know if this is part of Lily's diagnosis, it appears to not be part of her problem so far but we won't know more until we see a neurologist in may), and pituitary hypoplasia.
         The first major feature, optic nerve hypoplasia, is the underdevelopment of the optic nerves, which carry visual information from the eyes to the brain. In affected individuals, the optic nerves are abnormally small and make fewer connections than usual between the eyes and the brain. As a result, people with optic nerve hypoplasia have impaired vision in one or both eyes. For Lily it's only the Left Optic Nerve and again  we wont know anything about how her vision has been affected until we see the neurologist. Optic nerve hypoplasia can also be associated with unusual side-to-side eye movements (nystagmus) and other eye abnormalities.
        This is the part that does not seem to part of Lily's diagnosis, this is the very scary part so read it with caution. Lily is very developmentally on target and her development has not been a concern to any of the doctors this far and that say she is developmentally "bright". The second characteristic feature of septo-optic dysplasia is the abnormal development of structures separating the right and left halves of the brain. These structures include the corpus callosum, which is a band of tissue that connects the two halves of the brain, and the septum pellucidum, which separates the fluid-filled spaces called ventricles in the brain. In the early stages of brain development, these structures may form abnormally or fail to develop at all. Depending on which structures are affected, abnormal brain development can lead to intellectual disability and other neurological problems.
          This is part of Lily's diagnosis. We have been referred to an Endocrinologist and we saw him this morning. The hormones most concerning right now are her thyroid levels, growth hormone and blood sugar. It is too early to tell how some of the other hormones your body releases will function until she is a little older.  He will follow us until she reaches puberty and check all of her hormones and watch them closely. He does not seem deeply concerned because Lily's outward appearncce does not signify hormone deficincies. It is however a concern that because she was in the NICU for several days after being born and was treated for hypoglycemia with an IV glucose medication(which according to Dr. Thornton is a classic sign of hypopituitarism but may be related to stress of labor for 28 hours) and also had low thyroid levels when she was a few weeks old there might be some deficiencies, all of this has stabilized on its own and we'll wait for the blood results for a more definitive answer. The third major feature of this disorder is pituitary hypoplasia. The pituitary is a gland at the base of the brain that produces several hormones. These hormones help control growth, reproduction, and other critical body functions. Underdevelopment of the pituitary can lead to a shortage (deficiency) of many essential hormones. Most commonly, pituitary hypoplasia causes growth hormone deficiency, which results in slow growth and unusually short stature. Lily is in the 50-75% percentile for height and weight and is trending in growth appropriately but he will see how she continues to progress throughout the next several years. Severe cases cause panhypopituitarism, a condition in which the pituitary produces no hormones. Panhypopituitarism is associated with slow growth, low blood sugar (hypoglycemia), genital abnormalities, and problems with sexual development (obviously we can't tell anything about this yet).
The signs and symptoms of septo-optic dysplasia can vary significantly. Some researchers suggest that septo-optic dysplasia should actually be considered a group of related conditions rather than a single disorder. About one-third of people diagnosed with septo-optic dysplasia have all three major features; most affected individuals have two of the major features. In rare cases, septo-optic dysplasia is associated with additional signs and symptoms, including recurrent seizures (epilepsy), delayed development, and abnormal movements.
Treatment, if needed for any hormone deficiencies, will be with medication that will be oral or shots depending on what the deficiency is. We wont know for 2-3 weeks the results of the blood work she had done today.
Septo-optic dysplasia has a reported incidence of 1 in 10,000 newborns. This is the part that I can't seem to grasp. Out of all of the babies born why ours? The only conclusion I can come to is that the Lord knows that Jordan and I can handle this and that we are the perfect parents to take care of and raise a child with this. If he didnt think we were capable he wouldnt have allowed our baby to be one of the 10,000 newborns born with this condition. There seems to me to be a severe side and a mild side to this and at this point Lily appears to be on the mild side which I am eternally grateful for. Please pray for our sweet angel. Pray for her vision in her left eye and that it wont be affected and if it has been that it will improve, pray that her blood levels all come back within normal range, pray for knowledge for Dr. Thornton her endocrinologist and for her neurologist she'll see in May and that they will know how to treat her best, pray for me and Jordan that we can contain our emotions (I have been an emotional basketcase and have cried at just about anything) and that we will come to terms with this diagnosis and allow for God's healing in our hearts and minds and to trust in his continuing promise to take care of us, pray for Lily that this won't affect her in a negative way. We weren't able to get an appointment with a neurologist until May 13 and have been put on the cancellation list, pray we could get in before then. I could go on and on with prayer requests, please pray for our little family.
Once we get the results of the blood work we had done today, I'll post an update or if we hear anything else.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

 
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.'
 
xoxo,
Hillary

March 23, 2011

An Aching Heart

As the day quickly approached for Lily's eye surgery my heart was anxious, my stomach was in knots and my thoughts jumped from one terrible thought full of sorrow and disappointment to a thankful and peaceful state of mind quicker than I ever thought possible. I spent the days and weeks prior to her surgery constantly praying that her MRI results would come back perfect and her surgery would go smoothly. Being a nurse myself my mind went through every little detail that goes along with starting IV's, giving sedation, intubating patients, sitting in a viewing room while my patient is having an MRI done, moving patients from one table to the next, what OR's are like, how sterile technique is suppose to be performed, what it's like when Dr's are performing surgery, what it's like to extubate a patient and bring them off sedation and finally wheel them to recovery.  All my heart could hope for was that Dr. Packwood and all of those involved in our experience at Cook's would not only think of her as a patient but as our sweet little angel and treat her as if she were their own. We started our morning out waking up at 4:30, well Jordan woke up at 2:30 because his was heart was anxious and his mind racing as well. We got ready and woke Lily up around 5:15 and headed for Cooks. I know I kept everyone up to date pretty well on where were in the process but this is more about how my heart and mind felt through the day. We got to registration a little before 6:00, got checked in and headed for the MRI check-in. I was so proud of Lily because she was in such a happy mood and was laughing and smiling and waving to everyone. Sweet girl had no idea what was about to hit her in the next hour. As they called our name we headed to the pre-anesthesia area where the CRNA, nurse, and anesthesiolgist came in and visited with us, assessed Lily, went over her history and asked all sorts of questions. It finally came time to go to the room where they would put Lily to sleep. They let me go in the room and hold her and comfort her until I laid her down on the table so they could put her banana-flavored mask on her face and put her to sleep. She screamed and cried and pushed at the mask and my heart wrenched and the tears began to flow as I watched my precious little girl fight but the anesthetic finally took over. It came time for me to leave the room and as I walked out I got lightheaded and felt like I was going to faint. All I could focus on was getting out of there and back to my husband to cry and be held. As I sat down next to him my heart became heavier and the tears came faster. I finally was able to get a hold of myself and calm down but my heart still pounded, my stomach in knots and my hands shook. We waited in the starbucks and played UNO to pass the time and keep our minds off of what was taking place only a few steps away from us. After almost 2 hours had passed since I left Lily they finally called and said she had been taken to surgery and we should head to the surgery waiting area. The nurse in the OR called to verify her birthday and let us know surgery had begun and she was doing wonderful. That nurse had no idea how much she made my heart flutter and pound just with those few simple words. She said the doctor would be out in 30 minutes or less to talk with us give us an update. Those 30 minutes felt like hours but as soon as I saw him walk through the doors from the OR we lept out of our chairs and rushed to talk to him. He told us everything went great and that the MRI would not be read until the next day and he would call us with the results. We sat back down in the surgery waiting room and waited for our name to be called. 10 minutes passed, then 20 then 30 and finally they came to get us. We walked in to the PACU to see our little Lilybug laying in a crib connected to monitors with IV fluids hanging next to her. My heart was flooded with emotions. I could not wait to hold her and rock her. She still had "No-No's" on both her arms protecting her IV and to keep her from rubbing her eye. I never thought I would be so thankful to hear her cry and although it was a hoarse cry from having been intubated it was music to our ears. She would get comfortable and then move and cry again. We got her to drink 4 oz of pedialyte so they would let us go home. Finally we were cleared by anesthesia to leave and her IV was removed. We walked to the car buckled our angel in and headed home. After 2 naps Lily was back to her precious self giggling, smiling and being silly. Her left eye is bloodshot but even so she is still the most beautiful baby ever. It's not easy telling a 10 1/2 month old No when she rubs her left eye which results with crying because she doesnt understand what's happened or fighting her to put her eye drops in. I am so thankful its over with and the surgery is done. I am thankful there's a fix for her condition called "strabismus". It may have been a routine surgery and yes there are lots of children that have had it done but that doesnt make it any easier on my heart watching my child go through what she did. I'm thankful its the only thing that was the matter and yes there are alot of children that go through much worse and it breaks my heart that other familes have to go through much more difficult experiences. She is a tough little cookie and won't remember what she went through but I will forever remember this day and it will always be engrained in my mind. This experience has brought Jordan and I closer, my heart has grown stronger for Lily and I love them both more than I did the day before. She continues to teach me so much about being strong and always getting back up every time you're down. I'll post an update when we speak with Dr. Packwood about her MRI results. Until then here's a few pictures from our day.
 Thank you so much for all of your love, support, thoughts and prayers. Without them this day would have been much much more difficult.
not good of me but precious of her

Loving on daddy




playing with drums until they were ready to go

this is what happens when you can't feed at 10 month old, theyll eat anything is sight

holding my angel in recovery

a sort of smile, happy to be in her daddys arms
 
headed home






the day after

February 18, 2011

Lily and I went to Barnes and Noble the other day to look around and find new books. After walking up and down the childrens isles and scanning over the hundreds of different books we found the board books and 0-3 year old books section. I picked up a few and sat down with Lily in a corner and started reading through a few of them with her. Being the constantly-on-the-go child that she is she didnt sit still for long but while she was in my lap she was fascinated with a book of My First Words. We went through the book over and over and over again and I couldn't help but to smile at how excited she got at each page and how she clapped her hands together when we looked at colors and animals and shapes and so on. After a little bit she grabbed on the bench next to us and took off to look at other books on her own.  Lily walks all around the house holding on to the couches, the walls, our hands, from one standing toy to the next, so naturally this is what she decided she wanted to do at the bookstore. While she was talking to herself and looking at books I began to realize how much Jordan and I have to teach her. I decided to buy the book of first words for her but that's just the beginning. We're teaching her how to walk with a pushing walker through the house, how to stand by herself, we've taught her how to give kisses, how to wave and how to clap and so much more. We're beginning to teach her how to feed herself and constantly introducing new foods and tastes to her. These are simple basic things . I am so excited and so blessed to be able to teach such a small angel all the stuff there is to teach her. At the same time I'm saddened and scared because when we teach her new things that means she's growing up and she's not our little baby anymore.  Then I thought to myself about how my relationship with the Lord is like my relationship with Lily. He constantly is teaching us and giving us new obstacles in life to overcome we just have to be willing and ready to work through things one at a time and as they're given to us. I know he loves seeing us conquer and handle the things he throws our way just like I love seeing how Lily once struggled to pull herself up at the couch but now she's much stronger and she does it in one swift move. Like Lily has to continue to trust that Jordan and I will always be there to catch her when she falls, I too need to trust the Lord and remember he will always be there to catch me and guide me. I am still in awe that he has given me the chance to be a mom and for everyday I get with Lily I am thankful.

xoxo

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. " Isaiah 41:10

February 15, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

Instead of taking up so much space on facebook with pictures and constantly posting them on twitter I've decided to do just a day of recent pictures.  Enjoy!

I can't wait to get her eye fixed


so in love with that sweet face!


when we got this island for the kitchen I knew shed love it


Cuddling and watching tv on a saturday morning


Enjoying a gorgeous day at the park


mmm goldfish!


lovin' on bentley